Day 4

Here’s a weird feeling- watching your brother prepare to leave for college.

It was a sad story for me because my life was a mess at the time and when my parents did not see me take any action towards getting into a college, they shoved me into a shitty local one. Which I was stupid enough to be complacent with in hindsight. But that is what left me at home, depressed for months before I realized that the first semester had passed, so had the second one and the rest passed in a haze as well. Two years later, I am still at my home, struggling to figure out what I can do to not have a completely shitty life at the age that I am at.

In the five years that have passed since, my brother grew up. We have never been close, and for the longest time I have resented him for being the preferred child. Not that he wasn’t, but I am a jealous and possessive person who has never been able to accept the idea of someone other than me having my parents’ attention. We have had a tumultuous relationship to say the least, but I will admit that it was almost always me who did not want to be friends with him, and was annoyed by the fact that he wanted to do things exactly the way I did them and would not complain as much when I would hijack all the gifts that were given to him on his birthday. In my defense I was a bully but I was also eleven.

We haven’t been the kind that shares everything with each other mostly because our personalities clash a lot. He thinks he has to be a sort of care taker of me because he is a guy that just rubs me the wrong way. In fact, his whole self rubs me the wrong way because I like to stay in secluded corners and keep it quiet for most of the time, and he likes to speak- constantly. He will seek your company and proceed to talk- about anything and everything. I hate shopping, he goes on a binge or talks about it unless he gets it. He does not understand the concept of personal space and I respect it most of the time. In short, we do not gel well and the cherry on top is that my parents gravitate towards him way more than they do towards me.

In the eighteen years we have lived together, there have only been a few incidents that I can recall that would have proved that we are siblings. And those few moments have involved him being bullied by other kids. Every time he would come home crying, or bruised, I would feel my blood boiling and even though I claim to hate him from the bottom of my heart, and find myself rushing out of my house to confront those imbeciles and ask them how they could do something like that to an innocent child. Other than that however, I can only recall either fighting over something that he did. Today, he sits across me, getting ready to fly to a place hundreds of kilometers away from the family and it just feels weird. Even though, I would scream at my parents to leave me alone, I want to give him advice and protect him from kids who might want to use him or berate him, I want to protect him from heartbreak, I want him to stay away from drugs.

It is weird to feel that way about him but I still want him to be safe and sound and although we might not have spent that much time together in peace, and I still hate the fact that he can be incredibly selfish at times and rude to everyone but the fact remains that he is family and that I want him to succeed and grow into a person that I would be proud to call my brother.

I hope you do well, brother. (But don’t get cheesy on me. It is so weird to have him talk nicely to me because he leaves in fifteen days. But, I hope it lasts and we start feeling complete again as a family)

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Day 3

Sanju.

In short, it was a movie about a spoiled rich brat who messed up big time and really wanted people to sympathize with him and basically stop calling him a terrorist. The movie starts with Sanjay Dutt being agonized by the allegations and speculations of him being a terrorist, contemplating taking his own life when he is stopped by his wife that a brash act like that would only end his misery but not his family’s. Thus they decide to get a renowned writer to prove to people that he has nothing to hide and that he is just a misunderstood person who has been wronged by the press and the world in general.

My thoughts are pretty jumbled but honestly, 4/5 stars. I know that it is a pretty high rating for how unimpressed I am by the movie, but hear me out okay. Ranbir Kapoor is amazing. I feel like he was kind of forgotten by Indian cinema because it had been so long since he had done a movie and most of them had not done well on the box office so most had dismissed him as a bygone actor of sorts. But the way he came through in Sanju was nothing less than legendary. Sure that might be a strong word to use considering that I am no movie connoisseur but everything about his acting screamed perfection. The way he portrayed Sanjay Dutt- from the way he talked to the way he walked, his neck bowed down as if by the weight of his head and his shoulders scrunched up, and his unique gait- it was all there, embodied by Ranbir Kapoor. The star cast of the movie was not only full of impressive actors and actresses with of course Ranbir, Manisha Koirala, Paresh Rawal, Boman Irani, Anushka Sharma, Dia Mirza; but it was directed by Rajkumar Hirani who is famous for movies like Munnabhai MBBS, 3 Idiots, and PK.

By the way special mention to Vicky Kaushal. What a guy. First of all, incredibly good looking. Second, he is an amazing actor. I have been off of movies for the longest time but recently I watched the movie Raazi where he plays the role of Iqbaal, the protagonist’s husband. Not only did he steal my heart in that movie, but also in this one. Just. Incredible. I would gladly spend my money even if it meant just staring at his face. Dreamy guy but also great acting.

Anyway. Back to the point. It would have been an incredible movie had it not been all about propagating the idea that Sanjay Dutt was an innocent person and that the media only wants to spice up any allegations that have been made without really confirming if they are true or not. A lot of the movie is also about how much Sunil Dutt sacrificed for his family and the society in general, spending sleepless nights tossing and turning worrying about his dying wife, his son who had turned into a drug addict and the everyday hassles that come with being a politician.

The title of the book that the character Winnie Das with ugly blue contacts and a bad British accent that would exist only for a couple of words and Sanjay Dutt come up with in the movie is Kuch Toh Log Kahenge based on the song that urges you to stop worrying about what people say because you cannot stop them from having opinions about anything and everything which is ironic because this literally was a movie that constantly attempts to make him look good.

The movie just left me wishing that all the effort that was made in this movie should have been invested in a personality that had a better story to tell.

That is just my opinion.

K thanks. See you tomorrow.

Day 2

I have been wondering to myself. What makes an article or a video or anything for that matter relatable? What makes a form of content worth sharing, what is it that makes people crack? There are so many examples you see around yourself and think- how is it that this is what people find in themselves to share? If we look at it closely, one can boil down the reasons to four. Let’s get into it, shall we?

Category one- The Relatables

These are the content creators who heavily take inspiration from real life and try to come up with content that would make people go, “oh! That’s me!” or “oh! That’s my friend!”. This is the content that is widely acclaimed and is the kind that is shared the most. That s probably the reason why you see so many creators coming up with titles like “9 reasons why Mumbai is the best” or “every best friend ever” and various similar topics. The same rules apply to memes. Although memes are a completely different form of communication in my belief, because a picture can convey a lot of ideas, but the most shared and thus the most widely created memes are also based on the principle of coming up with something that a reader or viewer finds relatable. This is probably the most vanilla way of becoming popular. I say that because we have a lot of mavericks coming up.

Category two- The Eccentrics

This is a category that seems like an offset of Tumblr. When Tumblr spills onto mainstream content, there come the eccentrics. You can decide how “quirky” the humor can get with the Ugandan knuckle meme or almost every meme that Pewdiepie reviews on his channel. It can be a picture of a cat that has been edited to look contorted and it would be funny. Even though this kind of content ends up being incredibly popular especially among the “millenials”, they make little sense to those who do not have the luxury of being chummy with the internet.

Category three- The Controversial Kind

Now I understand that this is sort of an all encompassing category and you cannot actually separate it from the other kind of content, but mind you a lot of people have become famous or have come under the spotlight and have thus promoted their works completely on the basis of being controversial. I remember as a kid, I came to know about Britney Spears when she shaved her head and had a mental breakdown, Salman Rushdie became known to households when his books were deemed to be too controversial for India, etc. In recent times there is Shobha De, and groups like AIB that have become famous with the same idea. Of course, I am no one to judge and sure, many statements are made without calculating how much it could backfire and how much it could be hated by people. However, sometimes the idea that even bad publicity is still publicity is what dominates the minds of people. Or maybe their ideas are genuinely harsh enough to rub people the wrong way. Take for example the movie Pyaar ka punchnama. Of course that movie was a hit among the male audience but it was not because the story was that good or the filmography was out of the world, but it was because the whole movie was based on illustrating the idea that women are basically monsters who are selfish, mean, and use and throw men like tissues. Then on the other hand are skits that AIB creates. Not only do they sound like a string of slurs, but also the way most of the skits are acted out, it seems like you are in a toxic relationship where you’re listening to your partner being passive aggressive about the smallest things. Of course this is what I think and a lot of people may disagree with me, but hey, it’s a free country.

Personally I find this category the most annoying because there is so much more you one can do with the platform they get but they end up using it to spread a message with negativity. Of course not all content creators are like that and many of them are pulled into it unsuspectingly, but for the rest, I find myself shaking my head. There is so much one can achieve by spreading positivity or being funny in a positive manner- ya feel me? I feel like content creators like Kenny Sebastian, Kanan Gill, Emma Chamberlain, Shane Dawson, etc who build on a positive feeling and bring forth even their criticism in a positive manner.

You know how in our textbooks we use the pronoun she instead of he when talking of general things so that we strive for a society where women are just as equally thought of as men are? (I hope you know what I’m talking about because if you don’t, my point will be made to no one but me) That is exactly how we should strive to go with in real life as well, that way whatever one has to say doesn’t come off as something so preposterous that people completely stop taking it in and just end up being enraged.

You feel me?

Okay. See you tomorrow!

I’m going to watch the movie Sanju tomorrow. Do not know what to expect because I haven’t read the reviews. Hmm what if I give a review myself? We’ll see. See ya tomorrow!

Day 1

There has to be limit to which one stops procrastinating, right? How many people do you think are out there who just push all of their tasks aside for so long that they end up moldy and stale and what not.  I feel like whatever I am writing may turn up better as a video but we all know that when you hate yourself, it isn’t exactly a good idea to make a video and then edit it as well.

Honestly, I do want to make a video and be funny but I feel like the time it takes for me to open up to the camera and be natural would be the time that people would just start hating me.

No I do not jump to conclusions that often. And I say that because I have made a couple of videos and although I have managed to edit out every sigh, uhhs, and umms, they end up looking like a pile of cringe. Then I realize that I do not wish to fit into the norm of a perfect youtuber but then if not that, I am not sure how I can use videos as a platform for me to express myself.

Other than that, even though I claim that I do not care about what people think about me, one thing is for sure- I do just the opposite. I do not care about what people think unless it is something negative. Maybe it is just a way of beating myself down or maybe it is a way of knowing what I am doing it wrong so that I can do it right. Who knows.

Whatever it is, it made me make all five of my videos private because I did not want people to see that there was yet another thing that I was horribly bad at and that I failed to continue with.

We humans are so messed up though. We have to make it all about ourselves and we love ourselves enough to believe that we are the victims of the situation that just happened magically around us. It is clear to me that I tend to blame things on others and I am aware of the fact that I need to buckle up for what’s to come.

That is why, I think I should stop blabbering and get to job hunting.

Also, I am sorry for the horrible quality of this content. I blame the trash I watch and the lack of books that are currently in my life. I get by with crooning and making inhuman noises. That is probably why my attention span is so short and why I find it so hard to finally get my writing gears up and running.

See you tomorrow? Hehe

Long Time No See

I have realized that I haven’t written for myself in a long long time.

Last year was horrible. I was plagued with self doubt, hated myself to the core and all of that depressive stuff. But when New Years rolled around, I decided that I was no longer going to be that whiny person who complains about how bad things are going for her and how there is nothing I can do about it.

Although I have failed a couple of times in the past six months, I think it is time that I make a comeback on the internet. I have been struggling with putting anything up on the internet because of whatever reasons and that stops now.

So here is a challenge- ever month I shall decide a topic I want to write on and shall post a blog per week accordingly.  And whoever is reading this, join me- why don’t you?

It does not matter if you and I are not professional writers.

After all, no one became perfect in a day.

 

What is this Feeling?

There is always a time in your life when you think that you are the next big thing. you stand up to your parents- you tell them that you are going to make it on your own, that you won’t have to depend on them anymore. you feel like the next Manish Arora, ready to transform the big bad world into a land of rainbows and unicorns. Time passes by. You fail once. Twice. A couple more times. And then you wonder if the effort is really worth it. If this yearning to see the world is really real. If it is even worth trying.

You lose that feeling of feeling alive. You want to write, you don’t find inspiration. You take up your laptop, ready to whip out your inner goddess that is funny, sexy, and cute- everything you are not- and the light goes out. You don’t want to type anymore.

You take up your sketchbook in hopes of venting out these pent up feelings that you don’t know how to get rid of. You look around you; you look inside- searching for something you can work on. There is nothing- the world is bland. You don’t want to.

You look for songs that you can relate to. You belt out those lyrics, feeling in place. Suddenly they feel meaningless. You can’t relate to them. You want them to stop, but you don’t want to.

You toss and turn, trying to find peace in sleep- you can’t.

Even when you do well academically, grab a job that most from your stream might consider enviable- you brush it off as something unreal. You give up on real opportunities.

Everything. It’s blank. It’s bleak.

You want it to stop.

You want to stop feeling this big hole that is inside you. It feels empty. You feel empty. Your relationships, your opinions, your principles, and your values- they all feel empty.

You try to find love- the one that is said to salvage your wounds, the one that has inspired poets to write ballads on. But you fail, because you don’t want to be cherished. Who can love you, if you don’t?

You hate yourself. You hate that you are so immersed in self. You want to detach from this humanly body, but you find yourself unable to.

People are horrified by the thought of accidents. To you, they seem thrilling. “at least something makes me feel alive” you think.

Is this what people term as “existential crisis”?

Memes and jokes about it are hilarious, but this constant state of misery is not.

Can you really cope with it through humor? Or is it just a way to ignore the gaping hole of a void that you feel?

can you really blame it on others, when you don’t fight for yourself and try to keep everyone happy by doing things their way and miserably failing at it?

Can you really ruefully look at the past and wish that you had done things differently? Time doesn’t come back. Nor does it wait for you to get your shit together.

You can only keep a brave face, march forward like it’s all fine.

The Late Comment

Thought Express

24ls1 This post will be posted almost four hours later than its scheduled time. That must make our readers think, “Oh they’re so irresponsible!” I bet no one would hire us if they thought we never replied in time or wrote anything when they needed us to. So, how do we feel when Narendra Modi reassures us so many days after religious intolerance has been rampant in the country?

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