Here’s a weird feeling- watching your brother prepare to leave for college.
It was a sad story for me because my life was a mess at the time and when my parents did not see me take any action towards getting into a college, they shoved me into a shitty local one. Which I was stupid enough to be complacent with in hindsight. But that is what left me at home, depressed for months before I realized that the first semester had passed, so had the second one and the rest passed in a haze as well. Two years later, I am still at my home, struggling to figure out what I can do to not have a completely shitty life at the age that I am at.
In the five years that have passed since, my brother grew up. We have never been close, and for the longest time I have resented him for being the preferred child. Not that he wasn’t, but I am a jealous and possessive person who has never been able to accept the idea of someone other than me having my parents’ attention. We have had a tumultuous relationship to say the least, but I will admit that it was almost always me who did not want to be friends with him, and was annoyed by the fact that he wanted to do things exactly the way I did them and would not complain as much when I would hijack all the gifts that were given to him on his birthday. In my defense I was a bully but I was also eleven.
We haven’t been the kind that shares everything with each other mostly because our personalities clash a lot. He thinks he has to be a sort of care taker of me because he is a guy that just rubs me the wrong way. In fact, his whole self rubs me the wrong way because I like to stay in secluded corners and keep it quiet for most of the time, and he likes to speak- constantly. He will seek your company and proceed to talk- about anything and everything. I hate shopping, he goes on a binge or talks about it unless he gets it. He does not understand the concept of personal space and I respect it most of the time. In short, we do not gel well and the cherry on top is that my parents gravitate towards him way more than they do towards me.
In the eighteen years we have lived together, there have only been a few incidents that I can recall that would have proved that we are siblings. And those few moments have involved him being bullied by other kids. Every time he would come home crying, or bruised, I would feel my blood boiling and even though I claim to hate him from the bottom of my heart, and find myself rushing out of my house to confront those imbeciles and ask them how they could do something like that to an innocent child. Other than that however, I can only recall either fighting over something that he did. Today, he sits across me, getting ready to fly to a place hundreds of kilometers away from the family and it just feels weird. Even though, I would scream at my parents to leave me alone, I want to give him advice and protect him from kids who might want to use him or berate him, I want to protect him from heartbreak, I want him to stay away from drugs.
It is weird to feel that way about him but I still want him to be safe and sound and although we might not have spent that much time together in peace, and I still hate the fact that he can be incredibly selfish at times and rude to everyone but the fact remains that he is family and that I want him to succeed and grow into a person that I would be proud to call my brother.
I hope you do well, brother. (But don’t get cheesy on me. It is so weird to have him talk nicely to me because he leaves in fifteen days. But, I hope it lasts and we start feeling complete again as a family)